It has been six years since my husband and I got married. I can say that we are happy and contented with our lives right now. We have a wonderful house, we both have permanent jobs, and we have a lot of social connection. However, despite those positive things we are thankful for, we still lack something that every married couple wishes to have – children. When we think about it, it makes us both mentally and emotionally unstable.
Dealing With The Struggle
The reason why my husband and I do not have children is because of my damaged fallopian tubes. I got diagnosed with pelvic inflammatory disease (PID). Unfortunately, the condition already damaged the fallopian tubes severely. It left a scared tissue that seems very complicated to remove. The doctor said while we need to stay positive, we also have to prepare ourselves to accept that we might not have kids anymore. Honestly, that statement can bring any woman into a meltdown. And just like any other woman with the same condition, it led me to anxiety and depression.
The doctor explained that the PID was caused by an infection from getting something like chlamydia and gonorrhea. However, it is not limited to sexually transmitted diseases. There are cases when normal bacteria in the vagina travel into a woman’s reproductive organs, where it eventually causes the disease. The doctor asked me questions if ever I experienced anything unusual with my physical health. Honestly, there is none. I told the medical expert that I was not able to experience any signs and symptoms of PID. Apparently, it is common for some women to be asymptomatic. Nevertheless, I am not happy with that.
So since I was not aware of my condition back then, I did not even consider consulting a doctor. Little did I know that the infection grew every day. And for the last couple of years, it became something that I want to get rid of today. I get that it is no one’s fault. But sadly, I can’t help but blame myself for not taking extra care of my reproductive health.
For my husband, it is pretty much not a big deal. But for both sides of our family, it seemed like it was everything. Honestly, I cannot blame them at all. After marriage, they were expecting us to deliver the news of pregnancy. But after a couple of years, we are still silent on our progress while other family members are pretty much on constant reproduction. I may sound a little bitter here. But I could not contain the emotional torture this infertility has caused me. It sucks because it felt like it has become the reason for our family’s poorly chosen treatment and relationship towards us.
I may tell everyone that I am not affected, but that is a lie. The truth is, everything about this infertility issue is killing me inside. I feel like there is no hope for me. And every time nature tends to add years to my life, I become more depressed and obsessed about having a baby. Sometimes, with all the mental illness acting up, I somehow wished just to disappear. People keep asking me when I am going to have a kid of my own. In weird moments, they think that popping babies out of a vagina is somewhat a contest. That the more a woman can deliver, the more she is capable of becoming a mother. I mean, seriously?
I understand how both our families feel about our infertility situation. But I also recognize that not all of them are genuinely concern about us. Some of their presence only wanted us to feel sorry about ourselves because we can’t form life instantly. Some criticized our capabilities, while others believed it was a curse. Honestly, as much as I tell them, “I don’t care,” it still hurts. All the pressure these people are putting me and my husband is something we know we don’t deserve. It is not what we need right now and nor will we need ever. If they genuinely cared for us, they would not make us feel hopeless and unworthy.
Feelings And Thoughts
I know the challenges are not easy. And with all the mental and emotional pressure that other people contribute to our health, our struggle will not always be the same. There is no guarantee as to where my husband and I can have a baby. But if ever, we hope to live peacefully together even without one. It is a sad realization, but I don’t look forward to it. Of course, I would still want to have a family of my own and raise children. But right now, all I can do is pray to God that one day He will answer.